Why were there such an increase? Was it because of the job cut backs. Or they simply lost in a gamble and invested everything they own and became bankrupt. We won’t know what ever happen to them. Unless one of us actually have the guts to sit next to them and ask why.

Who here walks along the St.Andrew subway path? There were a few number of times that some one had open the door for passengers and workers to walk through the door asking for spare change. I have witnessed that a lot of us didn’t bother to give any change. Too lazy to open doors our selves that we simply walk through any door that is open to us. It’s just chunk change folks. Why not spare them the change? Since most pennies and dimes all goes on the floors somewhere around the world. We don’t care for change but for those that has limit fianances and don’t have anything at all besides the clothes they wear on their back, ripped up shoes and all smelling like a dumpster. They care for change because they need it.

The faces that I see everyday are regular customers but I also see regular homeless people as well. Sometimes when I do get a chance. I make a few stop by and drop some change in their cups. They all open their eyes in awe and smile with glee. Followed by thank you, you have a great day now. Other times I will take left over food and since it was going to get wasted. I give them to the homeless. What is the harm in giving a little. You receive greatness in just seeing them smile at you because you made a little bit of difference in their life.

So I really do advise that we can’t just focus on our busy life and just caring for those of us like us. Homeless people count as well because we are all human beings.

For a relationship, when is it enough? When is it okay to say YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! 6 Months into the relationship? That is too soon.  You are just getting to know one another on a social level and it hasn’t become personal yet.  Movies and Dates here and there.  But if it already comes to the point of introducing to parents.  Be worried but not affraid.  If you are not ready.  Tell him or her to take things down a notch.

So you reach into that one year anniversary mark where you tell each other that you love each other and exchange gifts.  Setting a romantic date with candle light dinner.  You don’t live together but can’t get enough of each other.  Your nature and chemistry is going hormonal.  When is it okay to finally “SLEEP TOGETHER“?  Men are horny in nature and so are women.  But if your partner is not ready do not force without any verbal consent.  That is not cool.  That’s a turn off.

If you get to that point of the relationship where everything is just GETTING INTO EACH OTHER PANTS and no room for actual conservation then what is your relationship about? I get it your IN LOVE that’s why you show it to each other but like seriously everyday is not good.  It dies out! Soon or later there will be no fun or passion in the word MAKING LOVE anymore.   So in the down run it will just come to as pure SEX with no feelings of attachment.  In other words FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.

Teenagers lately it’s all about the sex and they don’t think to save it.  Your virginity is YOURS.  You get only one and after it’s gone you can’t get it back.  You can’t possibly ask yourself to be pure again.  Listen to elders and WAIT!

Thinking of long term relationships? Marriage or Common law.  Choose your partner wisely.  Committing to your vows are very important and also sacred.  Marry whom your heart chooses and not what he or she looks like or how they are making money.  Don’t think of security but think of the word LOVE. Are you IN LOVE? or Are you in Lust? There is a big huge difference!

Women in Relationships:
But what happens if your partner is trapping you?  You can’t do this.  You can’t do that.  You need to call and ask for permission to take out money or to just run errands or simply just to hang out with the girls .   He calls you name.  He puts you down.  He treats you as a possession whether than a human being.  Why are you still in this relationship? Maybe because he says that he loves you and there is no one else.  YOUR MY ONLY BEST FRIEND. If what you have is pure arguments and late night cries then it’s not a relationship.  No trust and communication.  Girls you need to take control of the situation and don’t let men rule over you.  BE STRONG.  If your the kind of girl that can’t open up to your own partner then you MUST things will be so much easier in the late run.  If your union together is still the same broke and going no where for almost 4 years.  It is time to take the high road and focus on you.

Men in Relationships:
If your in a relationship with a women then you must learn to always be patient.  Women are delicate beings that was created.  You simply have to treat her like a beautiful thing that walks the earth.  Listen to her and don’t abuse or take advantage of situations.  I am sure that you would sometimes get jealous when you see your girlfriend or wife associating with the opposite gender that is not you.  Don’t assume that she cheats but TRUST in her.  Don’t spy and don’t ask questions.  In the end of the day she comes home to you.  She tells you how her day went.

But if someone tells you a rumor that may or may not be true.  Confront her but don’t accuse.  Don’t get angry too soon, let her explain and tell her part of the story.

If you want to be protective then do so but not too OVER PROTECTIVE.  A lot of women don’t like that!

If your partner on the other hand is not treating you right.  You have collected all the facts and got proof with your very own eye.  Be a man and step up.  SPEAK but don’t like act like “A MAN” and beat the crap out of the other person involve.  Instead WALKOUT.

Don’t ever let a women over power you or trick you into anything with her whining and pouting.  That would just mean she gets what she wants and when she wants.  Put a foot down and stand your ground.

A girl that does not respect you does not need to be kept. Does not need to be cherished.

Personal Note:
Admitting that I am in a troubled, difficult relationship and is working on the nerve to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.  Working the courage to stand up and SPEAK UP.  I am at that road.  Where is this relationship going to? He does not cheat.  So why is this not working out? Tell you why.  My outings are limited.  I can’t have guy friends.  I can’t work on certain weekends because he wants me to NOT WORK! He swears at me.  He calls me STUPID.  He drinks and does not clean after himself.  Every morning at 4:30am I wake up and do duties as a wife does but only that he is not my husband just a common law partner.  He does not think about my needs.  Its always his and what he wants he must have and if I refuse he would say OH I SEE HOW IT IS.  DON’T TOUCH ME! YOU F******* CHANGE.

What should I do?

My first day: Had a session with the physician Jenna Brooks.  She’s friendly and nice.  She gave me good advice and believe’s that I can lose weight when I put my mind to it.

Second day: Had a session with Michelle.  She’s my trainer, my coach.  She gave me the correct tip on how to work out properly.  I couldn’t even do a proper form of push ups.  The routines were difficult and it was also a challenge for me because I have never stepped foot in a gym in my entire life.

Third day: Today I had a session with the Nutritionist.  Joy McCarthy.  She made me realize that I was eatting poorly and not drinking enough amount of water that I should have drink in the whole day.  She told me to ELIIMIATE all white product because it contains a lot of sugar.  It gives us the unhealthy fat that sends it straight to the tummy, butt and thighs.  She told me to eat whole grain, and to chew SLOWLY.  Do not eat 2 – 3 hours before bedtime because our bodies require the 12 hour of fasting our we rest to recover.

Joy wanted me to start a food journal where I record what I eat from breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack time.

Breakfast 7:55am – All bran cereal with 2 % milk (it was a very small portion.)

Lunch 2:30pm – Cold cut sandwich on brown bread with lettuce, tomato, pickles, cucumber, green pepper, light mayo and honey mustard.  Sun dried mult-grain chips.

Dinner N/A

Fourth day: It hasn’t arrived yet but I will be having another work out session with my trainner Michelle.  Where I will be focusing on my tri-ceps and core strength.  But of course before a 60 minutes workout I would have to do cardio for a good 15 minutes to 30 minutes.  Just to warm up before my session begins.

So tonight is just a good night’s rest.  Of course I haven’t started dinner yet because I still haven’t got the chance to cook anything. Not to mention that all the food I have in my fridge are most likely white products.  What am I suppose to do with sirlion tip beef and eggs? I can’t eat rice with it because it’s white.  Oh wait I also have a corn in a can.  Is that healthy??  I couldn’t go grocery shopping either because I am flat broke at the moment.

There were a few dramas between the boys that caused my brother to be late for work.  Men why must they act so macho but inside they sometimes act like little girls.  The next day all is well!  We arrived in toronto about 4:40pm or so to drop off my brother to work.  He was like an hr late.  Then drove back north to the Downsview area to go back home.

Fishing – disappointing because couldn’t find any fishing area… wasted 68 dollars on two rods

Skywheel – disppointing because the line was too long to just wait to get on a ride that you would have to share with two other people… wasted 20.59

Some say it’s allegery to certain chemical in products.  Other says its just stress.  Another says it may be brain tumor but I have none of the other followings of the symthoms except the headaches.

Why oh why oh why?

I really hope the waiting game is over so that I can find out!

I didn’t know why she didn’t bother to tell me or did she still want to keep it as a surprise.

She didn’t bother to invite me to her jack and jill baby shower.  Or perhaps she did not get the chance seeing that she is due in November.

She once told me that she wouldn’t bring a child into the world because of all the coruption.  She wanted to have a good future for herself until she’s well enough.  So I guess she decided after all that something was missing.

I am so very proud of her that she did not submit to abortion.

Although, it’s been a while since we last hang out but we all been busy but she has been extremely busy.  I don’t even know who the father is.  Does she still even keep me as a friend? I last talked to her was a month ago when she tried to set up a reunion between our 4 friends.  None of us couldn’t make it.

One was settling into a new home.  Another finding a new home.  I myself tried but failed, I was getting too sick of headaches.

The Hard Truth

of Ottawa Devon

July 27, 2009 @ 3:14am

Written By: Sina Him

(still a working progress)

Table of Content

Preface

Chapter 1: Who am I?

Chapter 2: Realize

Chapter 3: What’s the significant of being sweet 16?

Preface

The hard truth, I can’t really begun to decide where it all took place. To my knowledge what I was taught to believe to hear was the truth. Questions that arise. Does God exist? Who is he? What is my purpose to this life? Does he truly love me, does he truly care? Is he going to ask me out? Am I fat? Am I ugly? Does he trust me? Why doesn’t he trust me? Is he cheating? All these questions came rambling through my mind and I have only reached the last. Who am I?

Chapter 1

I will tell you of what I know so far of my life. I am a daughter to Helen Stanley and Troy Devon. I was born on March 15, 1983. To my knowledge that date is close to the eyes of March when Caesar was brutally killed by a friend that he so trusted. They named me after the city that I was born in Ottawa Devon. What I know of my parents background is that my mother is a daughter of a Canadian baker, of which I have never met because they have been dead before I was born. My father is a son of a American stock broker and his parents are gone as well. My grandparents met during a seminar where my grandfather’s company was throwing a lunch party, my grandmother was the own of the bakery helped her staff serve food to all of the guest. Their eyes linked into each other as if there was this invisible line. They courted one another with approval of their parents to allow their children to enter a relationship. Lucky enough both parents were very religious. They married in church with the Lord’s blessing and lived happily raising their children together.

I don’t know why my parents gave me such a name that didn’t have meaning what so ever. Growing up through elementary. Students would call me Ottawa of Ontario. They would ask a question like where is Ottawa? I would quickly answer here I am. Not realizing that they were actually asking for the location of the place not the person. Some bullies at school would call me Otter, not that I see nothing wrong with that but I just didn’t like to be called names. Everyday I went to bed in tears and I beg my parents to change my name. This is what they said, “we can’t change your name because that is your identity. If you were to change then you will never be the same person that we raised you to be.” I believe I was 8 years old when I asked her that question.

“Do you know why we named you Ottawa?” She asked me.

I replied with a straight up no.

“We name you Ottawa because when I was stuck in labor in the back seat of my car driving to get to the hospital. Cars were honking and too many traffic. Your father was a way for business have dropped an important meeting to get to me. He drove 12 hours straight without any rest to make sure that you were delivered safe. He didn’t get there in time but the fact that he left his work for me showed how much that he cared and loved. Shows a lot about the person. It was then that he proclaim his love for me and asked me to marry him. Unlike your grandparents I was not religious as they were.

I practice sex before marriage with a man that I could see myself with. 8 years later and I am still with him. Our relationships could never been stronger!

Once she told me the story behind my name. I felt very overwhelm and therefore happy to own up to my name Ottawa. I cherished it and loved it. I no longer wanted to change it. She gave me the reason to just move from all of those name calling and people picking on me.

Why wasn’t my mother religious like my grandmother or grandfather? I couldn’t understand. I thought that if you born under a Christian family you would automatically have to believe in him and follow him. What is sin? I was young and was not taught. The only thing that my parents taught me was to believe what ever I want. Just as long it makes me happy. Don’t let someone or somethings rule over your life. We may have gave you life but it’s up to you on how you life it. That was what she would tell me.

I love my parents and I don’t question that. What parents wouldn’t love their children? No matter if they did something wrong. They would still love you regardless. Lately on the streets I have seen two kids a lone begging for money. Why are they doing that? I realize that their parents has abandon them. Why would they do that? If you didn’t want to be a parent why would you bring them into the world?Why would you give them life and just throw them away just a like a piece of trash? That was when I acknowledge the word abortion. I was about 10 years old when I searched it up on the internet. They say that it is a crime. It is a sin. It’s killing a living being who hasn’t reach it’s age of life.

Am I a good person? I think I am. I don’t swear, I don’t lie, I don’t pick a fight. I love to learn and stay above my grades but sometimes it is difficult when someone is always telling you that you are stupid or that you are a cry baby. It wasn’t easy for me in elementary. Most people just made it very miserable for me. The only ones that tried to guide me were those of my teachers and the principal. They taught me how to walk away because violence won’t solve anything. They taught me that learning and educating is the best way for a person to actually be somebody very important someday.

Did I have friends growing up? Of course I did but not that many. My closest friend is Larry Olsen, son of Tamara Nickson and Oliver Olsen. He’s been my neighbor since I was born. Our parents would have house gathering and placing us in the same cribs for our to play together. He has always been the one that protects me from harm. When someone hurt my feelings he would take care of it for me. Without me having to beg him. He was the nicest person that I ever knew that was a boy. We played a lot of tag games as a kid but as we grew and reach a certain age we grew out of it and just kept it neutral like going out to the park to walk a strangers dog, or to see an old classic movie at a theater and the other things that friend does with each other when they reach 13.

The number 13, I never really liked that number. I don’t know why. It’s not that I was superstitious or anything. I just hate the fact that bad things always happen to me on that day. On the 13^th day of October, I went out for Halloween with Larry and his family. A group of the older crowd has snatch all the candies that I have earn from going door to door saying “trick or treat”. Why did they do that? Did they not feel bad about stealing from an innocent child? To what fun do they gain from seeing a little girl cry? On the 13^th of September just a few days of the 911 hit of the twin towers. My favorite pet goldfish that I called Nemo has died. I gave him that name because he was the last to survive to all its brother and sisters that their parents has eaten from when they were eggs. Why do fish eat their eggs? I don’t know why but it’s what they do because its in their nature I suppose. On the 13^th of June, I got knocked down off my bike by a man driving a car, he wasn’t looking because he was too many talking on the phone and not paying attention. So do I need to say more of why I dislike the number 13?

At the age of 15, I started to notice something different. It wasn’t puberty because I have reach that when I have turned 13. I notice a different side of Larry. The gentle Larry and the mysterious Larry. Was I having a crush on him? I really didn’t have a clue. But as he invited me to go swimming in a public pool. I seen his shirt off for the very first time. I didn’t look away. Why didn’t I look away? I was admiring the curves of his body. The mole underneath his left nipple. The lines on his abs that I have never knew existed. Was it wrong to think of him this way? I notice when he smiles underneath his lips there is a small little line that appears on his chin. I find him cute and a very handsome boy.

Why did you want to go swimming?

“I want to introduce you to this girl that I like and been seeing a while. I need for you to meet her and say if she’s okay to date me.” He’s replied.

I took one look at her. She’s a bit taller than me like around 5’8′. She was slim with long straight silk blond hair. Her eyes were blue and very nice sense of humor. What is there not to like? They had a lot in common. I found out that she is into sports, the same way that Larry was into sports. When Larry first introduce us I feared that she was a snobby person with valley high, rich girl attitude. But as she spoke her voice, like an angel she was so very sincere.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you. I hear a lot about you. I’m Kimberly Knightly and no relationship to the celebrity.” She spoke.

So Larry has spoken about me to you. What did he say?

“Oh nothing much expect the fact that you were put in a crib together when you two were babies. He says that you been picked on for most of your life and he has been your protector. He wanted me to meet you because you are so very dear to him. It is sad what you had to go through growing up and I hope that this introduction creates a new found friendship between you and I.” She answered honestly.

How could I possibly say no to that? She respected me even when Larry told her my name. She didn’t say Ottawa from Ontario. She seen me as a person with a wonderful nature of good humor and great manners.

When we all jumped in the poor swimming laps just to get a good exercise. We fooled around just to take a break. He would lift me up in the air and threw me back in. He did that a few times of course then switch over to Kimberly. He was more rough with because they are two people who liked it rough. The thought of hands around her has made me so very uncomfortable. What is this feeling? Is it jealousy? I have never thought of him that way before so why did I have them now? People say that we want things that we can’t have. He doesn’t like me that way because he told me that I was like a sister that he never had. But what about when you have the things you want and then gave it up? You regret that it could no longer be yours.

When they kiss each other on the lips. I couldn’t stand it because deep down, I wish it was some one else. Did I want it to be me? I really don’t know. I couldn’t no longer stand to watch so I excused myself to walk and change into the clothes I worn.

“What’s the matter? Is there something wrong?” He asked.

So it’s nothing, it’s just my fingers are all you prune and plus I need to get home. So I guess I will see you around.

“Does the kiss bother you? Is that why you are leaving?”

No, it’s not that. I’m just a best friend remember. You asked for my approval and I see that she is perfect for you. You guys have so much in common. Plus I don’t want to be a third wheel. I would rather go home and do my chores and complete my school assignments.

“Do you want us to walk you?”

It’s okay, you don’t have to do that on my account. This is sort of like your date and don’t cut it short just because of me.

“So I guess I will call you later. With all the detail.”

Oh, okay. See you later.

“Right back at you.”

As I walked home from the public pool. I couldn’t help but think. Why on earth would he want to share the time that he spent with Kimberly? Was it to gloat? Was it to try to make me jealous? If so I think it worked. That was when I realize that I have been secretly crushing on my best friend. What am I suppose to do with all of these feelings? Am I suppose to admit it to him or simply watch him from a far. I am not the type of person to get in a way of another persons working relationship. My parents taught me better than that. I knew better than that. I just left it alone and tried maintain the friendship that I had with him.

When I got home, my mother asked me what’s wrong. She seen the look on my face and read it as frustration and confusion. Do I tell her the truth? Or do I try to tell a white lie? I have never lied a day in my life and I didn’t want to start it tell. However, I didn’t want her to take my matters as a worry. It is simply a boy and there are plenty more if I really wanted a boyfriend.

It’s nothing mom. Don’t worry. I just came back swimming with Larry and his new found girlfriend Kimberly.

“He’s has a girlfriend. That’s sweet. So what do you think of her?”

She’s a nice person mom. They have a lot in common. She’s perfect for him. Anyways I’m gonna go upstairs and wash the chlorine out of my hair and do my work assignments from school.

“Alright, just don’t forget to come down for dinner. We are having pasta tonight.”

I won’t forget mom. I’ll come down as soon as I am finish.

I entered my room right after the shower. I turned on my white computer to check up on my email. I didn’t get any besides junk mail and spam. Why did I even bother to check? I didn’t have that many friends. My assignment was for art class and our teacher wanted to draw a face of a model picked in from a magazine but only to use shapes and other designs to create a look a like face. I chose a celebrity in stead. America is her first name. She’s the one that plays the role of Ugly Betty. Instead of choosing an image of her with glamorous make up. I choose the one few picture of her roles as Ugly Better. Big glasses that was covering tiny eyes. And braces over her teeth. The shapes I chose were those of circle, square and triangle. I used most shades of black and white and made it life like as much as possible.

After I was complete I looked in the mirror. I compared my work creation to my own little face. I wore no glasses, but I did have small eyes. I have a nose that doesn’t look anything like those of my parents. I have brown eyes and long brown hair. My teeth were a bit cricket but however I did not get braces. I am 5’2′ which is pretty short for someone my size. I am skinny and flat chested. That was probably why bullies have called me a tooth pick. Why did they choose to call me names? Did they not know that it has hurt me? I stared and stared deep into the mirror and realize that I hate what I saw in the picture. I was beginning to wish that I was more like Kimberly. Tall and beautifully shaped, not flat chested and having a lot of boys look her way.

I went downstairs just in time for dinner. I helped my mother set up the plates. She add two extra plates and I had no idea why. Normally we would set three just for my mom, my dad and I.

This there someone joining us?

“Oh I forgot to tell you. While you were in the shower Larry called to check if you got home alright. I asked him and his girlfriend to join us for pasta. I hope you don’t mind.”

It’s okay mom, I don’t mind. It would be fun. Maybe this time those two can be the center of attention.

Dinner started about 6:00p.m. The knock came upon the back door. It was Larry and Kimberly holding hands just like any couple in love would do.

Hey you guys are here, come on in. Larry when I met see you later. I met another day or two not right on the same day. I kid.

“Oh you know I couldn’t refuse your mother’s famous pasta. I couldn’t resist.”

“Larry, stop it your making me blush. My cooking is not all too great.” My mother said.

“Mrs. Devon, all my mother’s famous cooking is all from a box of Chinese takeout.” Larry said.

“That is so true. Your mother never did like cooking. Too think that once you arrived into the world that she would of taken cooking class.” My mother humored.

“She has tried cooking but it just didn’t turn out right. That’s why she leaves the cooking to my father.” Larry replied.

“So how is good old Tamara and Oliver?” My mother asked.

“They are doing fine. They just came back from a weekend getaway.” Larry answered.

“Ohh, I remembered them telling me that. But never really got a chance to call back.” My mother said.

As I look back and fourth from my mother to Larry as they were talking. I couldn’t help but notice that he has an incredible relationship just like a son to his very own mother. For the first time I felt my cheeks blush so hopefully no body had notice.

Chapter 2: Realize

I went to bed just an hour after dinner once Larry and Kimberly left. I tossed and turned unable to sleep. I looked up staring up at my dark pitch black ceiling. I open my lamp light that was sitting above my night stand next to my bed. I pulled out a book to read. I didn’t bother looking for a title so I just grabbed which other that my finger first touched.

I open up the cover and read the first view pages. It was about a girl who was crushing on a boy that she couldn’t have. He was a Christian and she was a sinner. She doubted of His existence and just couldn’t push herself to believe in a Higher Power that she just could not see. So in order to be closer to the boy that she liked, she tried to do the things that he loved. She join a church service on a Sunday morning and sat across the room just secretly watching him. The sermon started and she tried to listen but she couldn’t because she couldn’t make her eyes stay open long enough. She fell asleep on the first half of the service. When she woke up he was gone. She searched every where and just couldn’t find him.

I didn’t get to finish reading the paragraph or find out what happen but I couldn’t get my eyes to stay open either. I fell asleep in the middle of the pages. As I shut my eyes a lot of images came flashing within my mind. I knew that I was dreaming because in real life I could never fly. I dreamed that I was flying all over the city and stop on top of the tallest building structure in Ontario. The CN tower. I looked all around and seen a beautiful scenery. The different types of building in many colors, sizes and shape. Small little dots that I seen moving, I thought they were ants but I was high off the ground. I realize that they are people, pets and cars. When I looked in one direction, I seen something that was bright. I followed it and only to find that it was something out of the ordinary. An actual fairy with beautiful wings. She was tiny just like me but how ever she was way tiny like the size of my hand.

Who are you? I asked.

“I am, who you create in your mind.”

Are you real?

“I am real to those who believes. I am a fairy that comes in dreams.”

Why are you here?

“I am here because you may one day need me. It may not be now but later in time you will need me. Close your eyes and think of me. I am within your heart and mind.”

Before I could ask another question, the light of the fairy was fading away and far away that my hands could not reach. That was when I woke up with the sun shine through a crack from my window.

Out of all dreams, I have never dream about any fairy. It has always been about princess trapped in the tower and the prince saving her just like sleeping beauty. Only that the princess were usually me. The prince would be a stranger who’s face is always blurred. A tall dark figure with a shiny sword.

What did this specific dream mean? I tried to search the topic online on google. As I type in dreaming of fairy. It came up with a lot of answers that did not quite explain. It wasn’t the answer that I was looking for. Then as I browse through pages after pages and I click on one that seem satisfying. It titled what your dreams mean? I read that dreams are images put together for you to receive a message. It can be from God or be someone from the other side trying to connect with you. Is this true? I asked myself. I am not religious. At least I don’t think I am.

I got up and got ready. I made my bed and took one last look in the mirror. Trying to look the best that I could be even though I know that I will not grow a round perfect chest in one night. I decided to wear the clothes that I was comfortable in. I wore a white tank top with a blue printed butterfly on the left side of the back. I wore my favorite light blue skinny skins that went well with my cow boy boots. I remembered the first time that I wore it just a couple months ago. Larry told me that I looked pretty in it. I don’t know why I chose to wear those clothes but I thought he already has a girlfriend. What is there to impress? He wouldn’t think differently of me. He would always think of me as a sister.

I exit the house and waited on the porch as I waited for Larry to pick me up. We have always walked to school together since 4^th grade. We played this word game called the last letter game. For example if I said Honda, he would have to find a word ending in the letter A. Like Apple and I would say excellent. And so forth. It’s an easy game so you couldn’t really miss the point. It may seem childish but even for a junior in high school, we still play the last letter word game. I was expecting for just Larry to pick me up but apparently he also brought Kimberly. Who was I kidding? They were dating and getting to know each other. Soon he wouldn’t have time for me. I really didn’t want that to happen.

“Have you been waiting long?” He asked.

Not really. It’s only been like 20 minutes. I said.

“Sorry I exit early to pick up Kimberly and came back here as fast as we could.”

It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. It’s cool!

We walked about 5 blocks down the hill of the road. It was very silent. I was expecting for Larry and I to go into our game phase. Perhaps we were getting old for that game. It already has started. He was changing for her and I didn’t like any bit of it.

“So Ottawa, how you been?” She finally asked me.

I been good. Not too shabby. What about you? I asked politely.

“Can’t complain really. Larry surprised me on my door step with a red rose that he picked from a garden and hand them to me. My morning has really been pleasant.”

That’s good for you. Larry he is quite a gentlemen when he wants to be. That is part of his charms.

“I so do agree with you.”

I never did ask, how did you guys meet?

“Well Larry and I had a common mutual friend name Matthew Bradley. We all went to an all age bar to celebrate the Maple Leafs who won the goal.”

I see. So I guess I can assume what happen next. You guys felt an attraction.

“Yes, that is mostly correct.”

So are you new to our school?

“Actually I don’t. My school is close by and it’s just on my way there.”

Oh really. I didn’t know there was another school. I said feeling relieved.

“Well you can’t tell it’s a school because it doesn’t look like one. I attend an all girl school.”

Why on earth you would do that?

“It was my parents best wishes to not keep me distracted. They have a great curriculum.”

So do they know that you are dating?

“They do know, they didn’t like it at first. But seeing that Larry here is such a great guy. My parents gave him a trial. I could only date unless my grades are still high. If my father even spot a C grade in my report that is when he would forbid me to date Larry. I gave my word and so far no low grade. So I guess Larry here is not a distraction to me.”

That’s really nice of your parents. However if I were a parent I would never allow my child to date until they are out of college.

“Ottawa, that is so old fashion. As a parent you are expected to care for your child but you also must trust in them to make mistakes and learn from them. If they decided that they want to date at a certain age then perhaps they thought that they are ready to date. Sure when you first receive your first heart break. It hurts without a doubt but that is how your child learns that a heart can only heal given with time. He or she then will learn that dating at any age if they are not ready, they wouldn’t continue to date until they know that they are ready to step back into that world.”

I guess what you say is true. But I would still say that admit that I am old fashion. I been called names of so many that I didn’t know existed. There was a lot of pain that made my eyes go red. That is probably why I wouldn’t want my child to feel any kind of pain.

“I guess there is nothing that I can say for me to change your mind.”

I don’t think so Kimberly. Although my parents think to differ. They taught me to believe what I want to be or believe what I think was right or wrong. Good or bad. Because in the end it’s me that is in charge of my life. They have given me life but they can’t tell me how to live my life. So I guess your mind and their minds think so much a like. I am beginning to think that you are real child and I of a total stranger.

“Don’t think that. Never low yourself into thinking of that. It’s wrong. You should be proud of your parents for raising you. Your pretty. Your nice and a wonderful friend to Larry and I.”

You think that I am pretty. Compared to you, I am nothing but an Ugly Betty.

“Pretty. What is pretty? I don’t think I am. I look in the mirror and see a half of my mother and a half of my father in me. I like to think that I am average. But you Ottawa is pretty. The quality that people find the first time in you is pretty. You don’t think your pretty?”

I don’t think I am. I’m too skinny and flat. The bullies are right though, I do look like a toothpick.

“Stop! Ottawa, you’re being too negative of yourself. You have to think positive. I am sure that there are a lot of people that thinks of you and sees what you have got to offer is pretty. You do know that our skins are nothing but a shell to cover up from what is within?”

Not really, I just thought we are born like this. Looking different and not the same. There are those like you that are pretty. Those like me that are ugly.

“Didn’t I just tell you to stop thinking negatively? It doesn’t matter what we look in the inside. It’s the soul that is locked inside of us is what really matters.”

Alright, alright! I will stop being negative. At least I will try.

“That’s a bit better. And Ottawa if you have any problems or need to talk. This is my email. KnightlyKimberly@gmail.com. Email me night or day. I will respond the next day.”

Thank you Kimberly.

So she gave me her email. Why was she trying so hard to be so nice to me? What she said did sort of make sense. Yet still, I just don’t feel pretty inside.

Larry walked to the end of the streets to see off Kimberly. As I watched him walk with her. I felt a kind of pain that I didn’t expect. Why couldn’t I forget about Larry and stop thinking of him that way? How could I? He lives next door to me and is in most of my class.

The class bell was nearly striking the hour for class to begin. I didn’t bother waiting for Larry because I didn’t knew how long he was going to take. I went to English first and sat down in front of my sit. I didn’t want to be late so I sat as quickly as I can before the teacher came in. When I sat I felt a sharp prick it was very painful. I cried my tears and suddenly everyone laughed. I took my hand to feel what it was I sat upon. I pulled out a thumb tack that somebody had placed on my sit. How was it funny, for anyone to sit on a thumb tack? They found it amusing for me when I showed out my pain of discomfort. They all stopped laughing once the teacher, Mrs. Harbored came in.

“What’s wrong Ottawa?” She asked as we seen the tears in my eyes.

I said nothing but showed her a thumb tack.

“Okay! Who ever did this? This has got to stop. It is not funny when anyone sits on a thumb tack. How would you like it if someone did that to you? Would you laugh with the others or cry?”

“It’s funny when she is the one that sits on it.” Whispered a voice.

“Who said that? Come up front this instantly. If you do not the whole class will end up in detention. This is not a game. I am not playing. If you do not come forth then fine. The whole class has detention and this is final! So class if you want to blame. Blame the person who started all of this.”

“Thanks a lot dumb ass!” Whispered another person.

I knew who it was but I didn’t want to say anything because I would suffer more horrible embarrassment than a thumb tack stuck on my butt cheeks. There were only two people in class that made my life miserable in English. Tracey Rivers and Todd Madden. They picked on me since I was in grade one from when I accidentally spilled juice on my pants and they made everyone call me pee-pee pants.

When my tears were almost dried out. Larry finally came to class. Unaware of what just happen to me. Mrs. Harbored advised Larry to take me out of English and help me walk to the Nurse to get my butt cheeks checked out.

“What happen?”

Nothing, I am fine! I said in an angry tone.

“Nothing is never fine. You were crying. Tell me what happen Ottawa?”

I sat on a thumb tack! Is that enough info for you.

“Who did this?”

Who else?

“You want me to beat them up for you?”

Larry stop it. Stop being the hero that you are coming to my rescue every time that I get hurt. It’s just a prick and it will not scar. I’m still a live. So for the last time, I am telling you I’m fine. Don’t make this worse. Promise me Larry!

“It’s just not right Ottawa. You are a human, breathing person. You are not a model in one of their games. This is life. Someone has got to show them that actual pain really hurts!”

Larry if my parents taught me anything is that violence don’t solve anything. Promise me that you will not lay a hand on them.

“Those guys they don’t work with reasoning either. If no one shows them who is tough around the school, they will never leave you.”

Larry just drop it, and walk away. That’s all you have to do. Please! If I can go down on my knees my would but I can’t.

“Okay, alright! Since you are literally begging me. I will take your word for consideration. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there earlier to walk you in. I would of notice the thumb tack and save your little butt cheeks.”

I went into the nurse’s room. Nurse Polly asked me what happen this time? I told her a thumb tack.

She replied an old trick off the book. I took off my pants so that she can see how much damage it did to my butt cheeks. Lucky that the hole was not too deep, yet it was still bleeding. She put an ointment on so that it wouldn’t get disinfected. She put a bandage on me with a picture of power puff girls. I thought, Aren’t I a little too old for this.

I really didn’t feel like talking much on my way from school. After that incident I had in English class just made me feel so blue. Why was I treated that way? I was the same color as them. A white Canadian. I was no darker or any other color. So it couldn’t be a racist thing.

“Ottawa, are you okay now?” Larry asked.

I will be. Don’t worry about me.

“How can I not Ottawa? You are my best friend and like a sister to me. I care a lot about you. Your happiness if my happiness.”

Thanks a lot for trying to cheer me up.

“So what about ticket?”

Huh…

I didn’t realize that we were playing the last letter game. I finally got the Larry that I know returned back to me. I smiled.

Talkative.

“Electricity”

Yawn.

“Nobility”

The letter Y again, Why must do that to me? You know I don’t know that many words with the letter Y.

“Sorry Ottawa, play or accept defeat.”

You know what I will play. I laughed.

“Finally I get a laugh out of you.”

Yesterday.

“Yam.”

Mourning.

“Generous.”

Sexuality.

“Oh, I see what you are doing now. This is pay back for the letter Y. Okay two can play that game.”

“Yay.”

That’s not fare. Yay is not a word. It’s not even in the dictionary!

“Okay, fine! I will take it back.”

“Yettie.”

Eccentric.

“Culture.”

Elastic.

“Comedy.”

There you go again. You know what. I will summit to defeat. I give up. You are the king of the last letter word game.

Too busy laughing and not paying attention to where I was going. And also because I was walking backwards so that I could get a close look at his face.

“WATCH OUT OTTAWA!” He shouted.

I nearly got ran over by the bus but his swift hands had pulled me in just right in the nick of time.

“DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN! YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!”

Wow. I just seen the life flash through me. I’m sorry. Next time I will pay attention.

“Next time promise me that you will be careful and watch where you are walking. No more walking backwards for you. If anyone should be walking backwards, it’s me. Not you. You don’t understand, how much close that bus nearly hit you.”

Not that much close for you, look at that dog poop you just stepped in.

“Are you kidding me? I saved your life and this is my thanks!”

I couldn’t help myself but laugh.

“Oh you think this is funny Ottawa. How about I take my shoes off right now and let you smell just how special the odor smells.”

No, thank you I can smell it all the way here thank you very much. I ran and ran as fast as I can.

He of course chase after me. I couldn’t fun fast because I wasn’t a runner like him. He threw his stinky shoes down by the front steps of my lawn and tackle me down gently as possible.

“I finally got you!”

When he said that, it brought butterflies to my stomach. Just then our eyes felt like they were connected. Our face were so close by each other that I can feel him breathing over me. I got distracted by his looks.

I am not a fast runner. That’s how you caught me so fast. You got an advantage!

That is what I said just to break the silence.

“So true. You run like a turtle!”

Hey! Take that back. I said as I tickled him on the spot that he tickles the most. Just a spot above his waistline.

“Alright. Okay! Mercy… You win.” He said as he tried to stop his laughter.

My mother came out of the house to see what was all the racket about. She seen Larry on top of me with his hand holding just the tip of my shoulders. We didn’t realize how the position that we were in, looked like to my mother. We got up instantly.

She pretend to not notice then asked.

“What is so funny?”

Larry stepped in dog poop. I replied laughing.

“That’s only after I saved your life.” He added.

“Save Ottawa’s life. What happen? I don’t understand.”

“She wasn’t paying her attention to her surrounds that when she turned around to face me. She walked back and a bus nearly hit her.”

I didn’t get crush mom. Don’t worry. Larry pulled me back.

“What if Larry wasn’t there? Ottawa, you have got to be careful. You are my only daughter and I don’t know what I will ever do if I were to lose you.”

“That goes the same with me Ottawa.”

I’m sorry that I have been irresponsible. It won’t happen again.

Larry went to his home and I went to mines. As I walked into the house ahead of my mother, she noticed a red mark on my left side of my butt cheeks.

“Are you having your period?”

Mom, quiet down will you. Next door neighbors could of heard that. Can you be any more louder? That’s so embarrassing. I am not having my period for your information. I accidentally sat on a thumb tack in school.

“How could you sit on a thumb tack and not see it?”

I wasn’t looking because I was busy looking at the clock. It’s not like I look down at my seat every time I sit down mom.

“How did it get there? Did someone put it there?”

I don’t know mom. I’m okay now. Just please drop it. Don’t get any adults involve.

“It’s those awful bullies again isn’t it? They have been bullying you since you were a child. You know what I think I need to talk to their parents. No one bullies my daughter and get a way with it.”

Mom, please. Remember what you told me that violence does not solve anything.

“Who said anything about violence? Ottawa, I am simply going to talk to them in a willful manner. If that doesn’t work I will call a police and file a complaint so that they wouldn’t come at least 100 ft of you.”

Mom, it’s okay. I don’t need that kind of treatment. I’m 15 and if they want to bully me then let them. It’s not pulling me down. Have you seen my grades lately?

“I have, and they are remarkable. I am proud of you.”

Well doesn’t that show that. Them bullying me doesn’t do anything to me. Pain, yeah sure big whop. That’s a part of life.

“Alright sweetie. You have made you point. Now wash up those pants before the stain settles in.”

I will mom. Thank you.

Wow, where did all of that come from? Bullies don’t do anything to me? Sure they do. They scare the day light out of me. Sometimes when I go off to the corner store, I would have to take another root just in case I don’t bump into them. That was the first time I ever lied straight face to my mother. I didn’t feel any guilt of lying to her because I didn’t want her to worry. It kind of felt good that I lied but I tried not to do it again.

One lie would usually lead to another and that’s what I realize the hard way. One day when Kimberly asked me what was Larry’s favorite hobby to do. I told her he like collecting stamps of all around the world. She wanted give something special and that had more value to him. So she bought a book of collectible stamps and given to him for their first month of anniversary. As I watch from my porch as she gave him the gift of stamps. I read his face and he was not quite amazed. And I knew why. So I went on over to his law where both of them were sitting upon his steps. I given him a gift as well.

Hey Larry, I went out the other day and came across this unique coin. I want you to see it.

“Sure, I guess I can. Kimberly I hope you don’t mind.”

Oh Larry, you don’t have to move. I actually have it in my pocket still wrapped in with a white tissue napkin.

“Oh my god. Do you know what coin is this? This is the oldest American coin ever made. Great craftsmanship and it’s still in good mint condition. Do you know much this is worth?”

Not really, I’m not an expert on coins. If you want it. You can have it.

“Are you kidding me? You’re giving me this coin. It’s like so hard to get. And you just happen to get it by chance.”

Yes, I am giving it to you. I don’t really need it. I don’t see the value in that coin.

“Ottawa… Thank you so much.”

I took one look at Kimberly and her face turned into misery. Why did I tell her that his favorite hobby is collecting stamps when I know he loves collecting coins the most? I felt terrible and yet not as much because he loved the gift I gave him more than a piece of old stamps.

“Kimberly, don’t look so down. I love your gift as well. I used to collect stamps but that’s when I was 10. So I guess you asked Ottawa what hobby I was interested in.”

“Yes I did and she told me that you liked collecting old stamps. So I thought I buy you a book to put your stamps in. Provided that it has 5 stamps in it already.”

“Oh, baby! I love it. It’s the thought that counts. And you asked Ottawa of all people. To find out things about me.”

“Except that she forgot to mention that your hobby is now coin collecting.”

When she said that she looked at me. I automatically said something in my defense.

“Oh sorry Kimberly. He may be my best friend but I don’t keep track of every hobby he does. I am not a coin collector or a collector of anything in that matter. I just forgot that his stamp collecting days might have been to long ago.”

“You see baby. She didn’t do it on purposely. I myself forgot the things she likes to do during her spare times.”

He forgot. How could he? I didn’t forget about his coin collecting. This was getting worse than I thought. I am lying to both of them but it was so hard to stop by self. I really wanted Larry to be the person that I used to know. The one that would remember my favorite flower or remember when my library book his due. He would call me to notify me. Lately, it just haven’t been like that anymore. He was always with her and less with me.

I went back inside to leave them as I found them. I sat on my bed, hugging my pillow in my hand. As I fought to realize that, it has already been my third lie of the day. Why does it feel so good? Yet I know that it’s bad because I see people lie everyday and after wards have it blow up in their face. I really didn’t want that happening to me. So that night I sworn to never tell a lie again.

Chapter 3: What’s the significant being sweet 16

March 15, 1999 has just arrived today. I didn’t feel any different. It’s just a regular day. In spite of the fact that 5 more inches of snow has fallen in over night. I looked out my window and I haven’t seen anything so beautiful. The grounds were all covered in white snow. Not even a foot print yet because it was 6:00am in the morning. The trees with no leaves all covered in white. The pine tree though so pretty with lights. I have always like winter despite of the cold weather. There were a lot of activities that I enjoyed doing. Skating and building a snowman with my family and Larry. I was really looking forward to this winter because Larry promised me to take me sledding on the hills of blue mountain since last winter.

I went downstairs to get a glass of warm milk and sat around the kitchen bar. I open a cupboard and pulled out a pull of cereal. I decided to start my breakfast early. No body was a wake, not quite yet because I still can hear my father snoring all the way downstairs from the kitchen. Apparently I was sitting right next to the air vent. There was a newspaper on sitting on the top of the bar from where I was sitting. It wasn’t todays paper because I checked the date. I read my horoscope and I don’t know why because I wasn’t the type who believed what anything said in a horoscope. No one can predict what will happen in life. I read it for fun.

I looked under Pisces because that is my zodiac sign and the horoscope read.

There is a lonely Gemini who has watched you from a far. Pay attention! This person may not be what you had anticipated. You may be pleasantly surprised; Gemini’s are very independent and adventurous, and that is exactly what your lonely nights welcome!

I thought to myself. Who was a Gemini that I knew of? The only Gemini that I came up with was Larry.

He’s born on June 21. I started to feel myself smile but it couldn’t be true because he is with Kimberly.

I closed the newspaper and did not want to fill my head with such hope. I was expecting Larry to call me early in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. I only reach 16 once and apparently they call it sweet 16. I don’t even know why but I have wondered and came up with a lot of theory. Sweet 16, can be significant because that is when they are no longer a child. They reach the age of a young teen but not quite yet a young adult. Another is when most people meet and fall in love when they are 16. They mostly find each other in high school. If that is the case then in 2 months Larry will be 16. If he is still with Linda then them being together is their sweet 16.

It has already been an hour later and still no call. So rather than waiting. I walked quietly upstairs back into my bedroom. I changed into 2 layers of clothes to protect me from the cold breeze after I walk my way to school on a Monday morning of my birthday. Half way done and I just need to put on my winter coat that I got new from last year and I haven’t worn yet.

As I stepped out side it was so pretty. The snow falling down my face. I raised my hand out as I tried to observe the flakes. I looked at it very closely and it was true. It was in a shape of a star. I looked around to see if anyone was around. There was a clear. I shut my eyes as I grin out my teeth and smiled. Spinning around and around with my arms spread out like angel wings. I dropped on the snow and flapped my arms and legs to form a shape of an angel. I didn’t want to get up because I felt so peaceful.. This time of year is definitely worth celebrating. Although, Christmas passed about two months ago but I still felt jolly inside. I do not know why.

“Are you going to lay down there all winter?”

I open my eyes and realize Larry was standing right above me. He was alone and I thought where is Kimberly?

I wish I can stay like this all winter. I said as I got up off the snow.

So how long were you standing there? I asked.

“Oh I was standing out here a while ago. I seen you watch if anyone would see but what you didn’t realize that I was standing behind my porch wall.”

Why on earth would you do that?

“For one, I was not hiding. Secondly, the look at your innocent face, is just priceless. I didn’t want to wreck that.”

Oh dear, how embarrassing?

“What are you embarrass about? You were releasing your inner child that you seem to always have. I miss that.”

You do?

“Of course I do. I know that lately it seems that I haven’t been spending time with you. With me being with Kimberly all the time. I promise that I will make time for you. Starting after school.

How would you like that?

I would like that very much. Do you have anything to say to me?

“I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t think I have anything else important to say.”

What, has he forgotten my birthday? Now that is just wrong. I remembered his and he forgot mines. I was really angry. If he can’t remember then fine. I won’t help to give him an answer. Let him beg for my forgiveness.

So where is Kimberly?

“Oh, she went out of town with her family. Her school is on clock down today so that’s why her parents took that opportunity to visit her grandparents.”

I see. She’s so lucky to have grandparents. I don’t have any.

“That’s okay. Maybe if you live long enough to be in your 90s then maybe you can provide a title of a grandparent for your children, children.”

Ah yeah. That’s not going to happen. Because in reality. No body even likes me. None the less, would want to date me.

“Ottawa…stop putting yourself down like that. Remember to think positive of yourself. Plus you have one person right here that likes you.”

I know you do Larry. But you only like me as a sister. I want someone to like me for me.

“And you will have that someday. You have to wait and be patient, just like everyone else.”

Maybe you’re right. So where can I meet you after school?

“For what?”

Have you forgot? You just promised not too long ago.

“Oh sorry, I forgot. Just meet me in front of the school. Don’t go anywhere far.”

Okay. So I guess I will see you after gym class. Apparently that is my last class for the day even though I don’t like gym.

“I know you don’t like it but it’s a class that keeps your mind in shape and your body healthy. Go work out and build some stamina.”

Yeah right.. I will only do that when the cow jumps over the moon.

“Very funny Ottawa. You know if that is the case, I can easily arrange that with a few little strings.”

Okay, Larry. Now you’re just trying to play smart with me.

“I know, I know.” He said sarcastically.

We didn’t went our separate ways just yet because I still had like 3 classes with him today. I didn’t want any thumb tack on my seat anymore so that’s why I entered in with Larry. He checked my seat before he gave me the eye of approval. I don’t know if I ever were to not know a guy like Larry. The way that he’s friendly and appreciates girls and respects them. That is the number one quality that I am willing to take into my heart.

My next class it didn’t consist of Larry in my class. It wasn’t gym class but it was another class that I was not quite fond of. Science with Mr. Clark. This class there were no bully but were a lot of science geeks. That would be the term to describe for someone who is really smart in this class. I wasn’t doing well enough for this class because I had a hard time remember the time table and a few formulas. I thought formulas would only be required in Math class but apparently so does science. To find out a scientific answer, scientist must figure it out by a formula. Thank goodness that I didn’t want to be a scientist. I am still trying to figure out what I want to be. My science partner so happens to be a guy. He didn’t wear glasses like all the rest of the students that seem to be in this class. He’s also a friend of Larry as well but not close friends. People called him Champ because in any science contest, he would lead the team to victory but his real name is Chad Pickman. I don’t really talk to him much but I have glance at him a few times just to rate him. He’s tall but not the same height as Larry. He has dirty blond hair and blue eyes. He has a long oval face and a nose so pointy that people I heard have called him Pinocchio but he doesn’t seem to mind. Another word for his nose are those that comes from Greek man or Italian mostly. I seen his arms when he’s playing ball with Larry sometimes. Chad has got quite an arm.

“So Ottawa, what are your plans today?”

Chad doesn’t normally talk to me. Why did he start now? Sometimes he would only talk to me when it comes to the project that we do together. Yet on a personal level. Never.

Oh nothing really. Just the usual. What I do every day on a Monday. Go home from school and do my homework and sulk.

“Why?”

Why, do you care? Chad, we have been science partner for a long time and you have never asked me on how my days are and what are my plans?

“Yeah, about that. I know that I haven’t because I just didn’t know what to say. So today is just a day like many so start.”

Well if you must know. It’s my birthday today and my family totally forgot. My best friend didn’t remember.

“That must of suck. How old are you turning?”

I am turning 16.

“Okay that really must of suck because 16 is a big deal on a girls life.”

Tell me something I don’t know. Although 16 is not a big deal for me. It’s just another day but the fact that my own family forgot. That is just wrong!

“I know it is. Well Ottawa. I wish you a happy birthday.”

Thanks Chad. You’re the first that said it to me all day.

“That’s only because you told me. Plus if you didn’t say a word and I wouldn’t have wish you a happy birthday just like the rest.”

That is true. But you were polite to ask what my plan today was.

“Yes I did. So I did the right thing after all.

Thank you.

“Don’t mention it. By the way, are you doing anything for the spring dance that will be next month?”

I don’t think so. I mean I don’t dance and go to any of those kind of events.

“Well there’s a first time for everything. You should come. Take my invitation. I am not taking a no for an answer. Will you be my date for the spring dance?”

Okay, fine. Since you asked so nicely.

I didn’t really want him to ask me. The person I really wanted was Larry to ask me. But seeing that he has Kimberly and would probably be going with her. So saying yes to Chad would be good as any then staying home while everyone is out dancing their little feet away.

Science class was over and that’s when Chad offered to carry my books. What is going on here? Since when have any guy offered to carry my book. Not even Larry does that for me. Something really smelled fishy to me. As he stepped out holding my books a lot of people were staring and waving to Chad. Apparently he’s pretty popular around the crowd. He’s a popular geek man of science. Another feeling came rushing over me. Is this the way that I can get people to like me and get off my case. I was about to do that but I just couldn’t use Chad like that for my own selfish gain. So I just threw off that idea out of my head.

“I’ll walk you to your next class.” He said as he still continued to hold my books.

Why are you so nice to me?

“Well I am a nice person that’s what people are telling me. Why, am I being nice bothering you?”

No, it’s not that Chad. I am pretty sure you know of my reputation around the school here. If people see you. You will be the laughing stock of the year and what’s worse I will be. I just have my plate too full right now.

“Look Ottawa. I am my own person and people can’t tell me who I can or can’t talk with. I make my own judgment and give my own opinion. I washed you from a far and I can see the person that you are deep down inside. Why do you think I have such a hard time bringing up a conversation with you in science. You make it hard for me to think straight. Ottawa your soul is so very beautiful.”

This is a joke right. Are there camera around filming this. Are you trying to make a laughing stock out of me. Look at me Chad. I am flat and very skinny. I am a toothpick.

“Ottawa! Is that how low your self-esteem is? Look around, there are no hidden camera. I am being honest here. If you think that I am pulling some prank just like those other bullies. You are very wrong Ottawa. I was not raised up that way. If you are uncomfortable then maybe perhaps, you shouldn’t have said yes to me on going to be my date for the spring dance.”

As he tried to convince that there was no prank. I looked into his eyes and they didn’t flinch. He was being honest and sincere. What does he think he sees in me?

Chad, I am sorry. It’s just all my life I been put down and called something that seems to be true. For a long time I just couldn’t accept the way that I am when I look into the mirror.

“Ottawa, you have to look what is beyond the mirror. Not what is right in front of you.”

How could I see what is beyond the mirror? If the mirror is not transparent. So what exactly did he mean?

So as I reach for gym class. I did what Larry told me and try to work out. It was hard and I was running out of breath. By the end of the class, I actually felt good but in fact I was really tired out.

I went to my locker to put away my extra books. There was the mirror that I placed on the side of the door. I looked into the mirror and tried to focus very hard to what exactly would I find if not the image of my self. I squinted my eyes and then realize that a lot of people were walking by. There was one that stood out of the crowd. It was Larry walking another direction towards the stairs to lead to the exit of the building. Is that what Chad met by looking far beyond? Watching Larry as he walked away from me. That didn’t feel too good. So I tried to focus again. I found Chad standing just a little bit behind me waving. I laugh and I don’t know why I did that.

“So what did you see in the mirror?” He came up and asked me.

I seen Larry walking towards a door then I seen you waving at me.

“Exactly! So here is an exercise that I want you to work on. In the mirror that you have at home. Do the same thing and right down the things that is placed behind you and find the significant of what it means to you. With that still kept in mind that is what you only need to see in the mirror. Not you but the objects that represents you is the real you.”

Wow! Chad I didn’t know you were such a deep person.

“Yeah, a lot doesn’t know that about me. For some reason, I open up to you.”

Chad, I don’t know what to say. I feel so honored.

“Say you’ll give me your number so that I can call you.”

Sorry I don’t give my number out that easily. I’ll tell you what. If you can get my number out of Larry then you can walk me home after spring dance is over.

“Really, is that a bet? You are on.”

Now this is a test of my friendship between Larry. If he’s a friend he would give my number without a fight but if he’s someone that really cares for me. He would ask Chad, what he needs my number for?

As I walked down the stairs to meet up with Larry, Chad was following not too far behind. I stepped out of the door and was about to slip on a slippery pavement of ice. Chad was the one that caught my fall.

“Are you alright?”

I am, thank you. Your chest just happen to break my fall.

“You are quite the clumsy one, aren’t you?”

Not really. I just made the ice that has no salt over it.

“Ottawa are you okay. Didn’t I tell you to watch where you are walking. You promised me the other day remember.” Said Larry as he watching the whole thing happen but this time his hand was not there to catch me.

I know. I am sorry but this time. It’s not my fault.

“Dude, she’s right. I didn’t even see that large pack of ice.”

“But still, she just cares me sometimes. She just so fragile.” Larry said.

“I know what you mean. Back in silence class when our teacher wanted just to prick our finger. She nearly fainted.” Chad said.

Hello, guys. I’m like standing right here.

“Sorry.” They both replied.

“Oh right, dude. I been meaning to ask you. Can I have Ottawa’s number? She will not give it to me.”

“Why do you need her number? Besides I don’t think I am the person to give out her number without her permission.”

“Well she asked me to get it from you.”

“But why do you need her number? Aren’t you guys like science partner or something. You guys should of exchange numbers a long time ago?”

“Well the thing is.. I didn’t think I would need her number for anything until now. I just asked her to the spring dance.”

“Oh. Really.” When Larry said that I looked at his face expression almost shown disappointment or a disapproval. But he really tried hard to hide it. Guys wouldn’t notice that about each other, only girls would for some reason.

“You don’t mind do you.”

“No, Are you kidding me? It would be fun and besides, it’s good that she is going with you than all those other jerks of our school. I trust her with you.”

“Thanks dude. It means a lot to me.”

“Besides, I am going with my girlfriend Kimberly. Maybe we all can go to the dance together.”

“Sure, I don’t see why not. It will be fun.”

“What do you think Ottawa?” Asked Chad.

“I agree, it will be plenty of fun.”

“Hey listen, I got to go. Ottawa enjoy the rest of your sweet evening. Larry, bring her home safe for me.”

“Dude, I been doing that since 4^th grade. I haven’t seen her complain. I will bring her home safely.”

I watch Chad as he stepped into a black car. There was an old man driving but I couldn’t tell if that was his father or an uncle. Either way, so far I liked what I got to know of him.

“So spring dance. I didn’t know you were into those kind of things. You always hated it.”

Well I was looking to change. No more locking myself in the room because I can’t dance.

“Do you want me to teach you?”

It’s okay. I think I can teach myself through watching videos on how to dance.

“Are you sure? Because it’s better to have a partner.”

I am sure Larry. So where to now?

“I want to take you somewhere. Like blue mountain.”

Oh. You remembered! I said excitingly.

“You didn’t think I would forget a promise like that did you. What kind of friend am I?”

When are we leaving?

“Right now actually. My parents are over there waiting for us.”

We entered his parents pearl honda car. The car was very roomy and spacious. It spelled so nice.. I could tell that they have taken great care of their car.

Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Olsen.

“Hi, Ottawa. How are you?” They both said.

I’m doing just fine.

“How are your parents?” Mrs. Olsen said.

I have no idea. I left home early this morning. They were still snoring and not out of bed.

“I see. Well don’t worry about them not knowing where you are going. I have already phone and left a message that you will be us at blue mountain.”

Thank so much Mrs. Olsen.

“It’s my pleasure darling!”

It was a long very quiet ride to blue mountain but we got there. I unfortunately fell asleep for the whole car ride. Larry woke us up and we parked in front of the check-in building.

Nothing hasn’t even changed at all. The same old place where I gone when I was small. I never knew how much I missed it here. Especially their tasty hot chocolate with marshmallow.

The staff walked all of us into a room and very unaware of how dark it was. Because I just thought my eyes were still sleepy. When the staff open the light and I was very surprised. My parents were already there and the room was decorated. My mother was the one that was holding the fruit cake that written happy sweet 16 birthday. All these time I thought my parents forgot and they have been hiding something this big from me.

I recognized Kimberly, at which I thought she was visiting her grandparents. I recognized Chad and I thought. He was in on this too. So I thought, what he said earlier had to be untrue. It all was a prank. A prank to keep me sane and not knowing that they have been planning my own surprised party. I was very surprised and mad at the same time.

“You didn’t think we forgot your birthday did?”

But I heard dad snoring through the air vent.

“Oh sweetie. That was just an old tape recorder that your father recorded months ago.”

So you guys have been planning this the whole time. For how long?

For about a couple of months. Ottawa, you are special to us and that is why your sweet 16 had to be a one time of celebration that you will not forget.

Thank you. I said as my tears came rolling down my face.

I looked all around and some I didn’t recognize at all. But apparently, I had relatives that I have never knew or met before until now.

My father had an uncle name Louie. My mother had a cousin name Sheryl. They flown all over the world just to meet me. My grand uncle Louie. I couldn’t believe it that this old man is my grandfather’s brother. I can see the similarity. He was sitting on an armchair with a cane that he kept near him in case he needed to get up.

With really was a family reunion on top of a sweet 16 birthday party. I wasn’t dressed for a party I was more dressed to go down hill. So my mother pulled me aside and told me to change into something fit for a party. She passed me a box and I had no idea what type of clothing is in there but as I open it and boy it was very beautiful. It was all white just like the snow. The sleeves were long and at the end it open up jut like a butterfly wings. I changed in to in the the washroom and my mother that helped me with applying natural makeup. I looked into the mirror and I seen a splitting image of my mother. I realize that I was beautiful. It took my mother to stand beside me to make me realize just how pretty I was. No longer thought that I was an Ugly Betty.

When I stepped out in to my dress that my mother bought for me. Both Larry and Chad had stars in their eyes. That was the first time that I have ever seen a guy drop a jaw for me. Is this what it feels to be 16? I didn’t have the curves that Kimberly had along her hips but I actually got two guys stare at me from head to toe. It was a miracle.

“Wow, you are breathtaking Ottawa. Do you now see what I saw about you?” Said Chad.

Yes I do. I see my mother in me and to me she is very beautiful.

“May I have this dance?”

I don’t think I can.

“Come on, you are the birthday girl. Besides I will lead and you will follow.”

He took my hand into his. Bowing like a gentleman, may I add. As he held me against, I could feel his heart beat. His chest was so warm against me. Is this the feeling you get when you first share your dance with a boy? As the room turn around and around as we did. I looked at Larry and he just didn’t seem to happy. Kimberly on the other hand was smiling. Why isn’t she dancing? I looked around and to find it was only Chad and I that were dancing. I could see from the corner of my eyes that my father was recording everything. How embarrassing!

I stepped on Chad’s toe quite a bit but he didn’t seem to mind. He laughed rather say ouch. To me, that was pretty decent of him. Because no matter how hard I stepped with my heels, he didn’t stop dancing with me to check up on his feet.

The song stopped then the next one followed. This time I am dancing with my father. I looked like a pro now because I didn’t step on my father’s feet.

“Happy birthday Ottawa.”

Thank you dad. This birthday is going to be one of the best that I remembered.

“It should, because you are no longer my little girl. You are all grown up and next year you will be starting your second year.”

I know dad. But you know I am still little. I haven’t grown yet.

“Don’t worry if you have the genes that belong to me then you will continue to grow. Just be patient.”

I will and thank you for this. I know that I don’t say this all too often but I love you dad.

“I love you too. Don’t you ever forget that!”

“I won’t.”

So my birthday ended like that. My father was the last dance and I didn’t even got the chance to dance with Larry because he was busy dancing with Kimberly.

There were a few number of gifts that I received for my birthday. My mother already presented me with the dress that I was wearing. My father given me a locket of their picture with my picture on the other half of the heart. Chad, given me a blank birthday card that he wrote his own poem in. Kimberly, given me a diary to write my first entry in. I don’t know how she knew that I didn’t carry diary so I guess that she went to Larry and asked him. Larry however did not give me any because he told me that his gift was not wrap-able.

So as we made out way back I waited at my porch from Larry. He stood there with a stereo and played one of my favorite song. Kiss the lips of an angel. Yes I know the title is corny but I wasn’t thinking of romance or even realize that I had feelings for Larry but I really did want to kiss the lip of an angel.

He held out his hand and bowed down. I took it and he spun me around. The snow was falling yet again but I didn’t care because I was standing close to his arms. We danced, smiling and laughing. Then up above us, the most bazaar thing happen. A shooting star appeared as we were both looking up for some strange reason. He made a wish and so did I. I wished that he would be the one that is right for me. I wanted to let fate decide for me. The song finished and he kissed me upon my forehead.

“Happy sweet 16 and happy birthday.”

He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands. As he placed something in them. I open my eyes and I found. My name Ottawa Devon. He made a charm of my name on a bracelet. On the back written your forever beautiful in my eyes. I cried and I thanked him for the gift.

“Save the last dance for me always.” He whispered into my ears. He walked away and returning back the stereo that he took from his father.

What did he mean? The way that he is acting now since back in school, before we left for blue mountain. He has been acting just a bit to oddly. It wasn’t like a brother anymore. Has another person being interested in me finally, bugged him that much. Well I didn’t want to find out. Because once I received the book from Kimberly. It showed that she’s a nice person and that cares. I shouldn’t have lied to her which was wrong of me and now I regret doing that. Larry is indeed in good hands. I open myself to new possibility and just lay my plan another another direction and dare I say. Let God decide who is right or when the time is right. Meeting both Kimberly and Chad had made me realize that there is more to me that meets the eye. I couldn’t see that but they did. I was grateful to have met them.

Do be continued.  If you want to read more then check back another day or two.

My dream was very weird last night and the location was home because I was quite aware of how the objects in my dreams are exactly the same.

It all starts in my very own washroom.  There’s this pipe or some sort that always came lose and I don’t know why that I was the one to always fix it.  Except that this toilet didn’t seem like a regular toilet (I admit that this toilet is not like my real one). The pipe was located where, the toilet seat was just behind the cover of the seat.  There was a lot of water flowing so I had to use my hand to adjust the pipe so the water would stop flowing off.  So that I flushed the toilet to make sure that it worked.

Which, totally was a bad idea.

The water started to flow upwards then downwords.  I found over excessive use of toilet paper.  And do I dare say, what ever is left behind.  It was disgusting!

Who would use so many toilet paper?

2 or 3 single sheet piece is all you need to keep your little behind clean. You don’t need half of the entire roll.

The toilet was extremely clogged.

I couldn’t look no further.  I woke up and that was the end.

Is this dream telling me something?

Some people do use over excessive of toilet paper.  My mother would always leave 2 rolls and by the end of the day there would only be one.  Apparent one of my brother uses toilet paper to dry his hands after they are wet.

Hello, then what is the towel for?

It’s not just there for decoration!!

So remember folks.  Cut down on using too much toilet paper!!!

This night was my first time as I tried to attempt to have a moment to just talk to him about his feelings.  Just to communicate with him a bit more.  Perhaps I should of done this along time ago.  I should of concentrate on being an open person rather than just not being able to discuss certain problems or dilemma that comes within a relationship especially for two people who chooses to live in as a common law partner.

I asked him how many drinks he had? He replied enough just to get him to sleep at night and prepare to work the next day.  Of course it also led in a big argument.  That was when I couldn’t hold it in.  My feelings open up upon this very night.  Why do you drink? Because of stress and the way things are.  Do what makes you happy I said.  He given me the honest answer and replied it’s you that what makes me happy.

Before I even begin to explain my confession I want to explain the relationship between my older brother and his ex-girlfriend.

Sam and (who shall remain nameless) knew each other since high school years.  I don’t know how they met or became to be I remember that he brought her over one day when she asked to borrow a hair tie.  They were about 16-18 I believe, I am not that much detailed in the age department.  He did everything that is romantic as possible.  Took her to her prom even though he was a high school dropout.  Did special things for her and showered her with gifts.  She also did the same and the only big thing that she ever did was reserved a whole restaurant and asked the servers to serve only tomatoes because she knew that he loved tomatoes.  They went to Mexico and to Cuba together.  They stayed in a relationship for more than 7 years.  When it comes to introducing him to the family.  She told her parents that Sam was only a friend.  Sam was ready for a commitment but she didn’t want to tie down because she was focus on her career.  They broke up in 2006.

Sam learned his lesson to not make a girl his priority so he concentrate on himself by finishing school and working every day.  Traveling places to places to teach others how to make sushi.  He meant a girl in 2007 her name is Laiza.  She’s sweet and friendly and Sam has grown to like her but he doesn’t see her that often because she is located all the way in Montreal and soon she is moving to Edmonton.  The reason why she hasn’t move yet because of Sam.  Does he care for her? Yes without a doubt.  But he is more focus on what he wants to be and do with his life.  If she is willing to wait then perhaps he will soon ask that question that every girl wants to hear.

So as you can see now.  Do you know what I mean when I don’t want my boyfriend to give up everything because of me.  We sacrifice our friends to be together.  He bought all of these things for me with all of his hard earn cash because of me.  I still don’t know why he still is with me.

the last thing I told him tonight was I don’t want to end up like my brother Sam.

that is when he whispered. “If we were going to be like Sam and his ex I would of left a long time ago“

At this very moment he is asleep in bed snoring like a log…

of course that is right after all the swear words and all the tears.

What else can I offer him if I haven’t already?

I asked him what makes him happy.  He says I do.

But I think it’s time to ask myself what makes me happy?

If somebody has an answer for me please tell me because I am at the point where it’s just going _______.

So here I write my pros and cons of what he does to me, what he  makes me see:

Pros:

• During a fishing trip a long time ago he helped an old lady cross a river bank because the rocks were unstable.  He did about 3 trips
• When we first saw each other for the very first time after 9 years, a friend of mine gave my number and the night that I left he called to check if I got home okay ( I didn’t know that I would ever see him again, honestly I thought it would be the hi and bye never see you again kind of thing.  I wasn’t even going to give my number out but my friend did it behind my back)
• When I was sick in the hospital, he visit everyday no matter how tired he was for the next day
• When I had a high fever, he stayed awake all night keeping it down with a cold towel
• On my 23 birthday I spent it alone because he was spending quality time with the family, he then later on surprised me with roses and a large teddy bear
• When I injured my finger he took care of me every way possible whether it’s bathing or changing clothes
• My little nephew came over to play and I watch him as he carried them into his arms and made them laugh
• When his mother was sick he panic and asked what’s wrong (he’s not so close to his parents) He stood by her until she felt better
• When his sister was fighting to live he was there to cheer her on (unfortunately she passed away along time ago, she was only a baby)
• When his friends are in trouble he is there no matter far the distance to back them up (usually involving violence)
• At karaoke night I chose a song of a duet and he got up and sang with me (he doesn’t like singing)
• On my way home a stranger had followed me, I called him and he was there instantly
• When my mother was ill he called the taxi and took her all the way to the hospital
• He helps out with my family with the bills and what ever is required to do
• He protects me when someone tried to hit on me ( although I think he protects me way too much)
• Being with him has allowed me open put my feelings in writing through poetry and novels
• My favorite type of movies are romantic comedy so one night he chose a movie for us to watch (he’s more into action, biography and drama.)

Cons:

• He’s an excessive drinker that he would order beer every other day just to help his sleep
• He swears a lot at every little thing
• He called me chubby that I need to lose weight
• He called me stupid and lazy
• He said that I don’t do anything
• He’s disappointed in me, he has no faith in me
• He’s jealous at guys that I talk with (even if it’s a best friend)
• He doesn’t trust me
• He doesn’t want me to pick up smoking habits (even though he smokes)
• He doesn’t like it when I go some where on my own ( if it’s late after 8 forget about it)
• He objects when I discuss any kind of issues involving him to a girlfriend
• He dislikes it when I buy things without discussing them with him (even if it’s clothes for work)
• He sometimes forces for me to do things when I don’t want to do them
• We had an argument at his parents place, he through his cap at me and hit my throat, I raised my voice and he knocked down the TV off the chair.  He went to the washroom I went after him to talk so trying to stop him from slapping the door it was too late my finger was caught. Unaware of the pain I looked at my finger and to find that the tip has been cut off.  I screamed and cried in pain he came out and seen the blood that drip and drip.  That was the first time I seen a man cry and down on his knees.  911 he dialed and said never again. I’m sorry. ( ever since that day he has never laid a hand on me)

So there you have it the pros and cons.  Except still I don’t know what my answer is yet.  I look at him still a sleep in our bed.  Snoring like a log oh how could I sleep with that? When he’s not here it is silent and lonely. Two nights away on a fishing trip I couldn’t sleep because there was no snoring next to me.  When he’s not here I miss him but when he’s here and I see him I get annoyed because I can’t do things that I enjoy.

Tell me what is wrong with this picture?

Am I a person that is happy?

Or am I a person that is lying to herself just trying to skip the part where the heart is broken?

But I know by the end of this conclusion that I would never have the guts to leave because he alone knows about me more than I do know myself.

At last read the poem titles Where do we stand? That poem was written right after the confession.

• John (live-in boyfriend)
• Sinath (my brother)
• Kenny (John’s brother)
• Robert (friend)
• Josh (friend)
• Rich (friend)
• Suzie & bf (John’s co worker)

Leaving first thing in the morning to go fishing.  Then staying the night at Inn by the Falls.  Leaving first thing in the morning the next day.

I can’t wait for that day to arrive because it would be my first time that I will be alone anywhere with my boyfriend in a motel. That’s the truth.  I haven’t been anywhere far from home.  This would be like a one day, one night get a way vacation from our busy lives of bills, bills, and more bills.

What I will be bring on that very day is my digital camera to record the memories of our traveling.  A lot of activites awaits us.

• Viewing of the falls
• fishing
• golfing
• casino gambling (although I will not be)
• a stroll around the beach
• marine land
• site seeing all across Niagara

The only thing I hope for that day that it not rain.  I want the weather to be nice and hot for traveling.