I don’t know what came over me but this night was completely different as I witness that my boyfriend as drank one too many beers. I knew that he was drunk because he talks a certain way and gets very angry and talkative.
This night was my first time as I tried to attempt to have a moment to just talk to him about his feelings. Just to communicate with him a bit more. Perhaps I should of done this along time ago. I should of concentrate on being an open person rather than just not being able to discuss certain problems or dilemma that comes within a relationship especially for two people who chooses to live in as a common law partner.
I asked him how many drinks he had? He replied enough just to get him to sleep at night and prepare to work the next day. Of course it also led in a big argument. That was when I couldn’t hold it in. My feelings open up upon this very night. Why do you drink? Because of stress and the way things are. Do what makes you happy I said. He given me the honest answer and replied it’s you that what makes me happy.
Before I even begin to explain my confession I want to explain the relationship between my older brother and his ex-girlfriend.
Sam and (who shall remain nameless) knew each other since high school years. I don’t know how they met or became to be I remember that he brought her over one day when she asked to borrow a hair tie. They were about 16-18 I believe, I am not that much detailed in the age department. He did everything that is romantic as possible. Took her to her prom even though he was a high school dropout. Did special things for her and showered her with gifts. She also did the same and the only big thing that she ever did was reserved a whole restaurant and asked the servers to serve only tomatoes because she knew that he loved tomatoes. They went to Mexico and to Cuba together. They stayed in a relationship for more than 7 years. When it comes to introducing him to the family. She told her parents that Sam was only a friend. Sam was ready for a commitment but she didn’t want to tie down because she was focus on her career. They broke up in 2006.
Sam learned his lesson to not make a girl his priority so he concentrate on himself by finishing school and working every day. Traveling places to places to teach others how to make sushi. He meant a girl in 2007 her name is Laiza. She’s sweet and friendly and Sam has grown to like her but he doesn’t see her that often because she is located all the way in Montreal and soon she is moving to Edmonton. The reason why she hasn’t move yet because of Sam. Does he care for her? Yes without a doubt. But he is more focus on what he wants to be and do with his life. If she is willing to wait then perhaps he will soon ask that question that every girl wants to hear.
So as you can see now. Do you know what I mean when I don’t want my boyfriend to give up everything because of me. We sacrifice our friends to be together. He bought all of these things for me with all of his hard earn cash because of me. I still don’t know why he still is with me.
the last thing I told him tonight was I don’t want to end up like my brother Sam.
that is when he whispered. “If we were going to be like Sam and his ex I would of left a long time ago“
At this very moment he is asleep in bed snoring like a log…
of course that is right after all the swear words and all the tears.
What else can I offer him if I haven’t already?
I asked him what makes him happy. He says I do.
But I think it’s time to ask myself what makes me happy?
If somebody has an answer for me please tell me because I am at the point where it’s just going _______.
So here I write my pros and cons of what he does to me, what he makes me see:
Pros:
- During a fishing trip a long time ago he helped an old lady cross a river bank because the rocks were unstable. He did about 3 trips
- When we first saw each other for the very first time after 9 years, a friend of mine gave my number and the night that I left he called to check if I got home okay ( I didn’t know that I would ever see him again, honestly I thought it would be the hi and bye never see you again kind of thing. I wasn’t even going to give my number out but my friend did it behind my back)
- When I was sick in the hospital, he visit everyday no matter how tired he was for the next day
- When I had a high fever, he stayed awake all night keeping it down with a cold towel
- On my 23 birthday I spent it alone because he was spending quality time with the family, he then later on surprised me with roses and a large teddy bear
- When I injured my finger he took care of me every way possible whether it’s bathing or changing clothes
- My little nephew came over to play and I watch him as he carried them into his arms and made them laugh
- When his mother was sick he panic and asked what’s wrong (he’s not so close to his parents) He stood by her until she felt better
- When his sister was fighting to live he was there to cheer her on (unfortunately she passed away along time ago, she was only a baby)
- When his friends are in trouble he is there no matter far the distance to back them up (usually involving violence)
- At karaoke night I chose a song of a duet and he got up and sang with me (he doesn’t like singing)
- On my way home a stranger had followed me, I called him and he was there instantly
- When my mother was ill he called the taxi and took her all the way to the hospital
- He helps out with my family with the bills and what ever is required to do
- He protects me when someone tried to hit on me ( although I think he protects me way too much)
- Being with him has allowed me open put my feelings in writing through poetry and novels
- My favorite type of movies are romantic comedy so one night he chose a movie for us to watch (he’s more into action, biography and drama.)
Cons:
- He’s an excessive drinker that he would order beer every other day just to help his sleep
- He swears a lot at every little thing
- He called me chubby that I need to lose weight
- He called me stupid and lazy
- He said that I don’t do anything
- He’s disappointed in me, he has no faith in me
- He’s jealous at guys that I talk with (even if it’s a best friend)
- He doesn’t trust me
- He doesn’t want me to pick up smoking habits (even though he smokes)
- He doesn’t like it when I go some where on my own ( if it’s late after 8 forget about it)
- He objects when I discuss any kind of issues involving him to a girlfriend
- He dislikes it when I buy things without discussing them with him (even if it’s clothes for work)
- He sometimes forces for me to do things when I don’t want to do them
- We had an argument at his parents place, he through his cap at me and hit my throat, I raised my voice and he knocked down the TV off the chair. He went to the washroom I went after him to talk so trying to stop him from slapping the door it was too late my finger was caught. Unaware of the pain I looked at my finger and to find that the tip has been cut off. I screamed and cried in pain he came out and seen the blood that drip and drip. That was the first time I seen a man cry and down on his knees. 911 he dialed and said never again. I’m sorry. ( ever since that day he has never laid a hand on me)
So there you have it the pros and cons. Except still I don’t know what my answer is yet. I look at him still a sleep in our bed. Snoring like a log oh how could I sleep with that? When he’s not here it is silent and lonely. Two nights away on a fishing trip I couldn’t sleep because there was no snoring next to me. When he’s not here I miss him but when he’s here and I see him I get annoyed because I can’t do things that I enjoy.
Tell me what is wrong with this picture?
Am I a person that is happy?
Or am I a person that is lying to herself just trying to skip the part where the heart is broken?
But I know by the end of this conclusion that I would never have the guts to leave because he alone knows about me more than I do know myself.
At last read the poem titles Where do we stand? That poem was written right after the confession.
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